Alfred F. Jones

United Kingdom

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Alfred F. Jones to die before they attack.

Alfred F. Jones does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris uses a nightlight. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because he is afraid of Alfred F. Jones

Alfred F. Jones doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

Nations don't admire Alfred F. Jones. They fear him.

Alfred F. Jones and Gilbert Beilschmidt walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed because that much awesome could not be contained in one building.

Alfred F. Jones' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Alfred Jones does not hunt, as the term hunting implies the possibility of failure. Alfred goes killing.

Alfred Jones has already been to Mars. That's why there's no signs of life there.

Yao built his Great Wall to keep Alfred out. It failed miserably.

Crop circles are Alfred's way of telling the world sometimes corn needs to lie the f@!# down.

China once bordered the United States, until Alfred decided he wanted his space.

The fastest way to a man's heart is with Alfred's fist

There are no such things as tornadoes, Alfred F. Jones just hates trailer parks.

If you have $5 and Alfred Jones has $5, Alfred has more money than you.

Alfred F. Jones always has sex on the first date. Always.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Alfred F. Jones.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Alfred F. Jones.

Alfred F. Jones does not need to swallow when eating food.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Alfred F. Jones.

Superman wears Alfred F. Jones pajamas.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Alfred F. Jones has allowed to live.

In Soviet Russia...No, Alfred F. Jones still kills you.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq; Alfred F. Jones lives "in" America.

Godzilla is Kiku's rendition of Alfred F. Jones' first visit to his house.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after Alfred F. Jones kicked them in the face.

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Hero". Starring Alfred F. Jones.

July Fourth is Independence day. And the day Alfred F. Jones was born. Coincidence? I think not.

When Alfred F. Jones plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

In honor of Alfred F. Jones, all McDonalds in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Alfredsized.

Alfred F. Jones doesn't eat hamburgers. The hamburgers know that the only safe place from Alfred's fists is inside his own stomach.

Alfred F. Jones can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Alfred F. Jones can make onions cry.

Alfred F. Jones can speak Braille.

Alfred F. Jones can lead a horse to water and make it drink.

Alfred F. Jones can have his hamburgers cake and eat it, too.

Alfred F. Jones can WIN THE GAME.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it's an Alfredatorship.

Arthur didn't discover Alfred F. Jones, Alfred F. Jones just wanted new prey.

There is no CTRL key on Alfred F.Jones' keyboard. Alfred F. Jones is always in control.

Alfred F. Jones can make you pregnant just by looking at you.

There are no Alfred F. Jones jokes. Just Alfred F. Jones facts.

The following is a short list of things Alfred F. Jones cannot do: .

Alfred F. Jones has counted to infinity. Twice.

Alfred F. Jones can lick his elbow.

Alfred F. Jones knows where Waldo is.

Alfred F. Jones once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now the Islands.

There is no "I" in team. There are three "I"s in Gilbert Beilshmidt. Fuck you, team.

Alfred F. Jones ordered a hamburger in a restaurant. The hamburger did what it was told.

When God said, "Let there be light", Alfred F. Jones said, "Say please."

Alfred F. Jones can divide by zero.

Stephen Hawking used to be able to walk and talk. Then he asked Alfred F. Jones to step aside.

Some kids piss their names in the snow. Alfred F. Jones can piss his name in concrete.

Alfred Jones died centuries ago. Death just never had the guts to tell him.

When people die, they go to Russiahell. When hell dies, it goes to Alfred Jones.

Alfred F. Jones was supposed to have a twin brother, but he did not survive Al's nine months practice of floating roundhouse kicks.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iran; Arthur Kirkland's scones are in London.

Ivan Braginski has a pet kitten-- every night for a snack.

Thanks to !Chalki for all these

Edit~

"Alfred F. Jones can molest Pedobear."

Thanks to ~XxMidnightKitsunexX

Edit 2:

Alfred F. Jones can jizz thunderbolts.

Alfred F. Jones once dated Helen Keller. When he whispered sweet nothings into her ear, she went deaf and when he showed her his wang, she went blind. (!Tyarana for both)

Alfred F. Jones watched a TV show one night. Because of that, the ratings went up. (~Doodlz7)

Edit 3

2012 is the end of the world. Alfred F. Jones is the end of 2012. (~Kewliekewlie101/!animefolife)

Alfred F. Jones... so cool, he can roundhouse kick Chuck Norris! (*Koragg1)

Edit 4

Alfred F. Jones once saw Spiderman on a wall, took his newspaper out and swatted him.

Alfred F. Jones' Rice Krispies don't say crap until he tells them to.

When Alfred F. Jones says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

Alfred F. Jones doesn't wear a wrist watch, he always knows when it's time to kick some ass.

Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Alfred F. Jonesasaurus.

There is no such thing as thunder. Only Alfred F. Jones' laughter. (all ~sasunarukun01)

Edit 5

During WWI and WWII, Alfred F. Jones shot German planes down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!" (!Sakriphice)

Alfred F. Jones know Victoria's Secret. (~roses-and-phantoms)

Everyone would be dead if Alfred F. Jones declared breathing 'uncool'. (~Manicies)

Hellen Keller could hear and see and talk until she stepped into Alfred F. Jones' . (!Suzume-Chiyu)

Edit 6

Alfred F. Jones never gains or loses weight, he just controls gravity. (~hetaliaPERV4EV)

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Alfred F. Jones jumps out. (!LovetheFox)

Crop circles are Alfred F. Jones' cowlicks. (~Kawaii-Yurri-Shrine)

Edit 7

No one else can close his/her eyes and see ice cream and hamburgers like Alfred F. Jones can.

Alfred F. Jones is the true Buger King.

Alfred F. Jones ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. (all ~CookiekatNya)

Inversely, Alfred F. Jones ordered a Whopper at McDonald's, and got one.